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Pasig City, NCR, Philippines
Behind that black shaded eye-wear beholds those eyes itching to see a bolder world.

Monday, 30 July 2012

Feels like death

This blog needs retelling. I will tell the whole story when I completely get back to the person who I was. My life recently has changed and I'm in bouts of giving up on someone or being brave of telling what I feel - a decision I never thought if it has any reason I should decide on. Either way, whatever the consequences may be, I would surely still stay for the person I love. Even though it would mean chronic hurting. I never want to lose anyone in my life again like I had let myself lose before. It's hard to give up or grow space on someone especially if he/she haven't done anything wrong against you. But it's much harder to accept that with your courage to fight for your feelings would make him/her leave you. It is so draining to realize that there are choices but neither of the choices you have would do anything good. Loving someone without ever being loved back and without ever having this love known is more than death.

Saturday, 23 June 2012

pull a trigger on me now

Day by day nawawala na talaga concentration ko. I'm fighting it, suppressing it and trying to do things to forget them. I don't know how long this would end and I want it now. This is why I don't want to get attached to anyone 'cause I'm so fragile. I hurt easily.

Now E tries to get close to C. Bakit ba kung sino yung mga malapit sakin yun din yung tinatarget ni E? Yesterday they went home together leaving me. I mean, C said to E in front of me na sabay sila uuwi. And the whole day that day, sila magkadikit. C also said in jokingly manner that he would rather speak of E or seek advice than me (since she just recently broke up). It was all killing me yesterday.

Yesterday we were about to eat on a restaurant, we were like six and there's no chair left for E, so he tried to get a chair and seated beside C. What the hell is that?

When C mentioned that he wants to go home on a ride with E, I said that I have to go home na since there's no sense of waiting for her (kasi E and I used to wait for her after class so I could ride with her to home), and she said “okay, bye.” I feel like rejected in that scenario.

Then last night I checked them both on Facebook and I saw C posted “What we've shared, I can't compare”. And they like got online at the same time about 1:20am. So that means from 4 pm (after class of C) until 1 am, they've been hanging out. A lot of things have been swirling in my mind.

I'm so depressed right now. I'd like to ask them how did it go but that would be me being intrusive. So I just keep it to myself until it burst to death.

I keep pretending that everything is okay to me. I keep showing to them that I'm still me being nice and funny. I keep telling myself to be that way 'cause I need to. But everything in me is hurting and I wish someone could help me. I don't have anyone to tell this 'cause they would know what I am. The only thing that keeps me not loose so far is that my goal to graduate this year.

PART 1

Sunday, 17 June 2012

I don't know...

It's been almost two months since I have not posted anything. And from that time there has been of lot of things that changed. I am not certain if these changes would go somewhere else or if I have to keep myself as is, in spite of. Here I go again. Just a few weeks after the duties and classes have started and my head's getting a bit obscure. I have no one to share this feelings I've been going through so here I am.

To cut to the chaste, actually, there are three persons involved in this sort of drama. There are two girls and a guy. First off, I'd like to label myself as the “assuming pal or the misinterpret-er” Because maybe I always put motives on things they show to me. I hate myself for consistently having that kind of wrong assumptions. Although, as a friend I never intend to display actions which would make them think that I'm a guy who takes advantage. I just keep it always to myself. In short, I'm a nice guy.

I'd like to call them in alphabetical order C, E and P.

C has been a good friend to me. I got to only know her last year when we were duty mates and classmates at the same time. Most of the time kapag duty days namin, we go together and sabay din kami lagi umuwi. The only times na hindi kami magkakasabay is when if we have class since I stick to my old friends, and kapag she and her boyfriend would go to a date (they broke up). I have known her better during times na pauwi kami from duties because we just keep on talking endlessly. She even tell some things about of her personal life. And recently, we had a talk on Facebook and suddenly in the middle of the conversation she said, of all the guys in college, I'm her closest. I was stunned and felt it so much. With that kind of closeness, minsan we've been teased by our friends. At nadadala naman ako. Someone told her about that and she asked me that on Facebook, I said, hindi ko alam, hindi ko sila naintindihan. Rate my shitty dumbness, please.

Now, we're not classmates. But we have a duty for the next two weeks and we're going to be together again. Just moments ago we were joking around. She said nang-iiwan daw ako which is true because I accidentally left her the other day, we're supposed to go a ride together. Then I said, hinding-hindi na kita ulit iiwan kahit kailan. Then we both laughed. And then she asked me if I could go ride with her tomorrow, she insisted. There are times I miss her, there are times I'm having a feeling for her. Magulo. Am I getting her wrong? Am I getting this situation very subtle that I misinterpret what friendship is?

Next is E. He is a guy. We have been classmates and duty mates for last five years of college. We're not very close friends but we're good since we've known each other for quite some time. We've been hanging out always with our common friends. I didn't have any feelings for him until recently. Sometimes I see him as a rival on certain things and sometimes I feel attracted to him. Hindi ko ma-explain, I'm confused. I also have thoughts of us being together. I know he's straight, kasi he's been trying to court and hit on girls pero he always get busted for three consecutive times. Or he just stops when he feels like he's losing the chance. I'm not sure. He's a more of a nice guy than me, maybe the reason of all this stupid infatuation. I know I have no chance to be with him. And to be honest, I think of him more than the others. But I don't have plans of coming out to anyone as of now. I'll tell of him later.

The last person is P. I don't know. I got to know her in a publication we're both very committed to. We have commonalities is the key here. There is also an impulse in me that wants to be with her. The twist is, E tried to court P. And I was crossing my fingers to not let that become a reality because that would have completely ruined me. Parehas ko silang friends and I have feelings for both of them. I have been assuming that P likes me since I feel like she's more comfortable to be with me. Nararamdaman ko eh. Sometimes, she would sigh that's she's hungry, like para sakin she's inviting me to eat with her. Kaya lang I didn't mind when she's saying that. Rate my shitty dumbness again, please. Also, I can feel it na sometimes, she wants to have a conversation with me. However, our conversations are only limited to the publication. I'd  like to get to know her more. One more thing, during classes, she told me she wants to seat with me. Another wrong assumption? I guess.

E & P has been playing in my mind. I get jealous when they talk, I get insecure when E talks to P and when P approaches E.

I'm sorry about this. This post might sound superficial to others but I suppose everyone in one way has been in this kind of situation. I'm a complication myself, aren't I?

I won't delve more into details right now, I'm kind of in a hurry. This is what distracts me all the time lately.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

discontinue

Okay. In behalf of the effort I made, I would at least post these two drafts I wrote. And also for something-to-post sake's. I do have a feeling that they are not gonna work out yeah, like if anything has worked out to me from all my previous posts. This is insane, really. I'd start a post and when I'm somewhere at a third part of it, I'd usually skip writing and tell myself I'll finish this some other time then eventually I would lose zeal to continue on.

This unfinished post I wrote or typed basically (people seldom use the word) is just recently like two days ago. I wanted to portray here a man who chose his job over a woman well after the incident he realized that he loves her more than anything. The first paragraph is something that reminds him which is related to the incident and what took place. It's nothing out of ordinary, very monotonous. Yeah, and I haven't figured out the title. I suck, ikr.
The lights flicker everywhere. I hear the whistling of a kettle continuously, almost burnt. A sound of a man non-stop hammering a wood. Maybe it was our door being fixed. The resonant horns of the cars outside the house echo in my ears; they bore to my timbre. My phone rang with a vibration louder like a fault. I couldn't take it so I covered my ears as they hemorrhage in sufferance. I tried to wake myself but I couldn't. Something like two hundred pounds of weight shoving me on my bed. I move a little from side to side with my feet nudging the sheets. Hoping I'd fall which would wake me up but it didn't let me. I hued for relief but the blatant noises are not helping. I tried to scream out loud for the last time til my bronchioles has started constricting. I have asthma. There was nothing I could do so I cried in exhaustion.
There are tears in which I never grew fond of time and again. These are memories I recollect keep swaying to and fro however I drop it end with stir of suppression. It has been two years since I wailed after that red October. The scenes that bring together are still fresh in my pit of memories. I went to visit you and it felt better as nothing had happened. The bottle of Antonov I bought from a convenience store has started to kick.
Today, I am driving a car of a pharmaceutical company they gave me. I suppose lend would be a more fitting term. They said if I could make good consecutive sales (above my quota) with the drug they want me to market, they'd probably consider it as token in return. It's a 2009 Altera. I could only whim how their tongues have not grown tired. My eavesdropping told me it's not to chance as they sales-talk me like I'm no sales-talker. I drove downtown to a place where I first met you. You haven't changed a bit. You are still cold like I first met you.
This next post would have been probably posted earlier than above. I was more eager to finish this as I was inspired by the story of the patient assigned to me but haplessly I did not. He is a special person who lives possibly a lifetime in an orphanage. For the following part of it tells how he manages his everyday to live through. I thought it would be a nice write but very long and so again, my snoozy self decided it. In some ways, I had a title for this and it's called: his own anatomy of life.
During his stay in his mother's womb, he did not know he was already being cursed to death. He was a result of a typical teenage mistake. He budded out from two people who committed themselves to a sin they never showed remorse of. On her first trimester, his mother had thoughts of aborting him. She traveled all the way to a known church where most religious devotees congregate on occasions. She wasn't there to seek for guidance neither to test her faith and surrender. Instead, she was to there to find something. Concealed along the sidewalks of its fine architecture and sacredness were scattered products offering contempt. Her hands were clenching, her eyes stared at distance. She was terrified into thinking of taking her own child's life. But her senseless reasoning was harder than her thick skull. Without wavering, she managed to buy a bottle of herbs and capsules that promises her menses back.
It was in her third month and she grew impatient. She only had a few drops of blood on her pad. She was unsure if she's done it so she called her boyfriend. But her attempts were only refused. 
She's weeping not because her boyfriend was such a dumbass but the fear of her pregnancy being noted as her abdomen has started swelling. She hid his presence through binding her abdomen and squeezed it until it flattens. Nobody seems to notice. She barfed like a drunken cow. She ate less except loads of fish. Yes,  the hormones' taking over her body. But she may have fooled everyone beside her mother. Rage almost killed her in despair to have this child, again, be terminated. Even a mother had no heart. Her father sinistral in any way, suggested them to consult an abortionist. Everyone's going against to his coming into this world. 
Finally, they decided to accept him only they would keep her pregnancy under wraps. The girl disappeared in the outside world ashamed of what's inside her. At 31st week while raining she ran off the stairs and slept. In no time her amniotic sac ruptured. She started feeling contractions while water all gushing out her vagina. She delivered preterm.
I'm kinda busy lately. You know, racking things up. I'm also preoccupied listening to album songs from a few awesome bands. I found a new band called Sleeperstar and this song they call Everything Must Find It's Place which was featured in a movie called Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close is beyond greatness. Been listening to U2 and SafetySuit as well. They are all awesome.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

questions

I was walking around in a known mall across an another known mall. I'm used into this kind of “psychedelic experience,” my euphemistic term for tripping. I traveled and walked alone trying to make up my mind -- things I do when I feel like my life is becoming messed up (as always been). I would walk around blank seems looking for nothing and I'd watch people and formulate conclusions about their life but couldn't even make a judgement what my life has to take. It has been like years since my existence to the world I'm living in hasn't changed that much or at all. Or has my entity being denied by nature. Simply put, why am I feeling this way? And why in the first place I was brought in this questioning?

I would like to see myself answer those inquests yet I am afraid to. I am scared stiff that it would be a no-answer question, something that I would have to live by it. I had questions before that were easily left unanswered and I settled for that many times. However now, I still don't know. I still have completely no control of what is left in me.  

Sometime before, I went along with my uncle in his work just to kill time for the summer. I once heard a man scream, probably in his prime, who owned the office where my uncle worked at and told his employers, don't bother ask if you already know the answer. It wasn't new to me actually. I was sure I heard that line before and I thought it was horse sense to even my ignorance that I knew exactly what he meant by that.

A random clerk with a chafed face passed by while carrying a mount of papers saying, how we're supposed to know it,  jerk!  I realized that my take on it was different from most people in there. 

Recently I kept glancing at the window a hundred times with the same scene and people I see everyday, getting my hopes up that soon I'd find the answer to all these questions. I feel disabled of many things in life. But somehow, I learned that it's not worth to ask the same question over and over. What we ask do not equate of what we need, and I clearly know how it's distinct from one another. There are no problems resolved without solutions as it would end the same way. If only someone could counterclaim every bit of my misdoubts and suspicions in this crucial world, I could have been less of a dread man.

With those left unanswered, it made me strong in a way. The strings to where I am clinging at is unchanged, thin and almost breaking. Only the fear of falling makes me stay clutched to it. Maybe in a little more while, I'd get the hang of it.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pePZI7Zmrws?hl=en"><img alt="Play" src="http://www.gtaero.net/ytmusic/play.png" style="border:0px;"></a>
Dance Yourself to Death (Teenage Romanticide) 

Monday, 16 January 2012

content


I found myself staring outside at the window. Nothing was there, just the leaves overlaying the benches. I thought sometimes it is seemly to see things on one side. That why would I have to look around if I'm by then content of it? (Was I?) If everything in one shot has color and several dimensions, like the ones we see on the big screen. Howbeit if I take these glasses off, everything is blur. And I know I'm losing sight of you.

“....”

I don't know why they call it ‘heartbreak’ if I feel like every part of my body is broken too. My eyes are swollen, my lips feel betrayed, my heart rushes to beat, and my mind suffers of past memories and delusions. I have killed you alive. With those few words I said, It'd be good for us, drawn me badly into the abysmal agony. You're being unreasonable, you countered. Silence grew. I took a snort of cigar as if t'was my last. You moved closer to me with moist stare. I couldn't look back. I have words to say I never had courage to say before. But still something was holding me back. I realized the times we've shared are so fragile that I'm afraid it would break you; the way I was breaking you all along.

Bemused enough that I drank my macchiato in blue streak without admiring the olive leaf art it forms, as it casually takes me quarter of an hour to finish a cup. That night I made it straight (at the least, it wasn't alcohol). If only there's a pill for severe confusion, I would have overdosed myself that moment. There was no longer any input to my senses. Neither I could think of way to suddenly be gone nor tell the truth. If there is anything in this world I am worst at, it is confession. My head was purling. My thoughts were making their own ways to get out of my exploding mind.

One by one, I counted how many sticks I consumed in front of her just to say how much I loved her, not still. Bit by bit, I finally wove my words with disgrace of myself. I did not care whatever you had to say. To imply it was an another man of unimaginable contempt.

I slid my hand reaching hers. I began to consider my actions thinking about myself, my indiscretion, this part-taking, my sins, how I ended up with him and how my life had become so much misleading. But I soon thought of nothing else other than content. I have found my own default with. That is something I could not lie more about. We both knew a sparing, overused sorry is not enough to suffice everything but I'd say it for the last time with an overstatement, you deserve someone better than me.

I drank another cup of espresso. I gently savored. The taste is much better now. He took a sip, what do call this coffee, again? I grinned....
Its hard I must confess
I'm banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love you

You right where you are, from right where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

And who's to say it's wrong
And who's to say that it's not right
Where we should be for now

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfZrkjB53dg?hl=en&autoplay=1&loop=1"><img alt="Play" src="http://www.gtaero.net/ytmusic/play.png" style="border:0px;"></a>
Hundred  (The Fray)

Sunday, 1 January 2012

agnes


A short called Agnes. And this is how I met her.

I recollect the first time my eyes laid on her. Every break, I used to dine alone in a bourgeois café established unpopularly along the university belt. It was less nestled by boisterous people and so a limpid place to purge time. Daily, I indulge my palate with Curry and cold Java whilst the remaining time is mine to grow callous in my seat. One fine day, as I was about to finish my routine, the meek chimes from the door belled. My eyes, as usual, is abnormally synchronous to  who goes in and out of the café. I noticed this fagged looking girl, clumsy in every detail as she dropped the book considering all puissance were on her fingertips, engrossed texting. And in the time she picked it up, stuffs in her bag slipped out. She was awkwardly a turn off and so I decided to depart without even looking where she would be seated.

The following day, she did not show up; I did not expect her to come back. On the other day, she was already perched when I came. Staring at her closely: plain earrings, dyed hair, faint makeup, the badge in her uniform, and the book she was reading by Tom Porter, no doubt an architect student not far from my institution. I requested a different entrée this time, but at the same charge. There was nothing fancy about her, not even fairly ravishing except for the dint on the sides of her cheeks. I wonder what her name is. As she closed her book about to leave, her surname inked sidewise, Cordova. I finally unveiled something about her, at least.

Days had passed and I figured out she would only visit to lunch thrice  a week. Increasingly, I was becoming an espionage to her. Every so often I would slyly tail her the moment she vacate the café. I did not care if she sees me, or else I would merely feign that were traversing the same route. Make-or-break, I irrevocably decided to introduce myself, I did not just know how.

One noontide, I saw her making way to the café. It was a terrible day for buckets of water come down from sky. She tried to cover herself with a book but failed so. Clumsy as ever, I whispered. Today is my day. I, on the abreast side of the street, with an umbrella amassing all the guts reserved, fleetly saved her from full-blown catastrophe. As gentle as a mist dress, I opened the door for her. This time, we shared the same table. We gibbered endlessly as the rain plummet unceasingly and decided to absent ourselves from respective class. Her name was Agnes  Cordova and the rest is how we became lovers.

And they'd sit in the trees and they'd talk thru the night 
While the blind moon swam in the pale starry light 
And they talked and they crowed and they told what they knew 
It was better than beer, it was all strange and new 
There was grass all around, there was black up above 
It was more than hello, it was something like love 

And I don't know why life, it seems to be 
So hard for dreamers like you and me 
When love is, love is, love is everywhere.
-Bob Schneider
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kawpYGi1_g4?hl=en"><img alt="Play" src="http://www.gtaero.net/ytmusic/play.png" style="border:0px;"></a>
Love is everywhere I go (Sam Philips)