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Pasig City, NCR, Philippines
Behind that black shaded eye-wear beholds those eyes itching to see a bolder world.

Saturday, 23 June 2012

pull a trigger on me now

Day by day nawawala na talaga concentration ko. I'm fighting it, suppressing it and trying to do things to forget them. I don't know how long this would end and I want it now. This is why I don't want to get attached to anyone 'cause I'm so fragile. I hurt easily.

Now E tries to get close to C. Bakit ba kung sino yung mga malapit sakin yun din yung tinatarget ni E? Yesterday they went home together leaving me. I mean, C said to E in front of me na sabay sila uuwi. And the whole day that day, sila magkadikit. C also said in jokingly manner that he would rather speak of E or seek advice than me (since she just recently broke up). It was all killing me yesterday.

Yesterday we were about to eat on a restaurant, we were like six and there's no chair left for E, so he tried to get a chair and seated beside C. What the hell is that?

When C mentioned that he wants to go home on a ride with E, I said that I have to go home na since there's no sense of waiting for her (kasi E and I used to wait for her after class so I could ride with her to home), and she said “okay, bye.” I feel like rejected in that scenario.

Then last night I checked them both on Facebook and I saw C posted “What we've shared, I can't compare”. And they like got online at the same time about 1:20am. So that means from 4 pm (after class of C) until 1 am, they've been hanging out. A lot of things have been swirling in my mind.

I'm so depressed right now. I'd like to ask them how did it go but that would be me being intrusive. So I just keep it to myself until it burst to death.

I keep pretending that everything is okay to me. I keep showing to them that I'm still me being nice and funny. I keep telling myself to be that way 'cause I need to. But everything in me is hurting and I wish someone could help me. I don't have anyone to tell this 'cause they would know what I am. The only thing that keeps me not loose so far is that my goal to graduate this year.

PART 1

4 comments:

  1. Firstly, I understand what you feel right now. It's hard and painful to pretend that you are okay, but you are not.

    But one thing, did you dare to tell C that you like her? That you have a feeling for her?

    If not, then there's no reason for her to reconsider your feelings. If you did, then maybe you need something to grip on. Or better yet, have yourself focus on different things.

    Sila na muna. I know mahirap, pero if you don't have the courage to tell her what you feel, malabo yun. Be brave man..

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  2. No. I have nothing to tell C. C is a friend of mine. I did have a feelings for her pero nawala rin yun. What makes me so loose right now is my feelings for E. I didn't have any feelings for him for the past 4 years and now everything has changed. I've fallen for him more than anyone I've fallen with.

    My fear is now that they're getting more attached and closer to each other, and since both of them are my close friends, I'm afraid I would not be able to handle it. I wanted to take control of my emotions for him but its just every single day, the more and more I get attached to him the same way C getting attached to him, too.

    It's complicated and I know in the end there is nothing I could do but to simply give in to the fact that it's impossible to be with him. This is so hard for me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow, kind of hard to understand. It's like I am digesting a kilo kilong barb wire noodles, malunok ko kaya? Just kidding.. Pinapatawa lang kita..

    Hold on, I am here Ken. View my page, go to my http://iamtimmyboi.blogspot.com/p/artists-bio.html

    thenn let me see how it goes. hehehe..

    OK kidding aside na.

    I assume that they're getting the gist on what you are feeling right now, that is if you are not really good on hiding it. I would fell off my feet if it happened to me, the mere fact on your end, you haven't been able to bluntly say your means. So it wouldn't work that way, there MUST be some clarifications so to know if he has same feeling as yours. Or let me say, if you have the chance to be someone (special) for him.

    But the other way around, kung di mo sinabi ang means mo, eh USELESS YUNG FEELING NA YAN DUDE.. I would suggest to be brave enough to say it. If he respond to it, then you have the chance. Kasi, baka ka dramahan lang nila lahat un, to make you AMIN na mahal na mahal mo sya to the highest echosssssssssssssssssss level!

    So why not take responsibility saying it to him, ikaw din- pag nawala sya, sayang.

    Pero ha, FYI nandito ako! View mo lang yung link. woot woot woot.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for understanding my situation. I know it's useless if I don't have the courage to break this to him. Kaya lang hindi rin siya madali. It's my first time to fall for someone my own gender. I'm afraid he would avoid me if I do anything reckless. And worst he might tell it to everyone (although, I don't think he'll do that if ever - he's not that type of person).

    I've rethought of coming out to him a hundred times, it's just not the right time for me, I guess. Or would there any be a right moment?

    Thanks for the comment. I appreciate it a lot. LOL @ your pic.

    ReplyDelete