I was walking around in a known mall across an another known mall. I'm used into this kind of “psychedelic experience,” my euphemistic term for tripping. I traveled and walked alone trying to make up my mind -- things I do when I feel like my life is becoming messed up (as always been). I would walk around blank seems looking for nothing and I'd watch people and formulate conclusions about their life but couldn't even make a judgement what my life has to take. It has been like years since my existence to the world I'm living in hasn't changed that much or at all. Or has my entity being denied by nature. Simply put, why am I feeling this way? And why in the first place I was brought in this questioning?
I would like to see myself answer those inquests yet I am afraid to. I am scared stiff that it would be a no-answer question, something that I would have to live by it. I had questions before that were easily left unanswered and I settled for that many times. However now, I still don't know. I still have completely no control of what is left in me.
Sometime before, I went along with my uncle in his work just to kill time for the summer. I once heard a man scream, probably in his prime, who owned the office where my uncle worked at and told his employers, don't bother ask if you already know the answer. It wasn't new to me actually. I was sure I heard that line before and I thought it was horse sense to even my ignorance that I knew exactly what he meant by that.
A random clerk with a chafed face passed by while carrying a mount of papers saying, how we're supposed to know it, jerk! I realized that my take on it was different from most people in there.
Recently I kept glancing at the window a hundred times with the same scene and people I see everyday, getting my hopes up that soon I'd find the answer to all these questions. I feel disabled of many things in life. But somehow, I learned that it's not worth to ask the same question over and over. What we ask do not equate of what we need, and I clearly know how it's distinct from one another. There are no problems resolved without solutions as it would end the same way. If only someone could counterclaim every bit of my misdoubts and suspicions in this crucial world, I could have been less of a dread man.
With those left unanswered, it made me strong in a way. The strings to where I am clinging at is unchanged, thin and almost breaking. Only the fear of falling makes me stay clutched to it. Maybe in a little more while, I'd get the hang of it.
Dance Yourself to Death (Teenage Romanticide)