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Pasig City, NCR, Philippines
Circa 1991.

Saturday, 23 June 2012

pull a trigger on me now

Day by day nawawala na talaga concentration ko. I'm fighting it, suppressing it and trying to do things to forget them. I don't know how long this would end and I want it now. This is why I don't want to get attached to anyone 'cause I'm so fragile. I hurt easily.

Now E tries to get close to C. Bakit ba kung sino yung mga malapit sakin yun din yung tinatarget ni E? Yesterday they went home together leaving me. I mean, C said to E in front of me na sabay sila uuwi. And the whole day that day, sila magkadikit. C also said in jokingly manner that he would rather speak of E or seek advice than me (since she just recently broke up). It was all killing me yesterday.

Yesterday we were about to eat on a restaurant, we were like six and there's no chair left for E, so he tried to get a chair and seated beside C. What the hell is that?

When C mentioned that he wants to go home on a ride with E, I said that I have to go home na since there's no sense of waiting for her (kasi E and I used to wait for her after class so I could ride with her to home), and she said “okay, bye.” I feel like rejected in that scenario.

Then last night I checked them both on Facebook and I saw C posted “What we've shared, I can't compare”. And they like got online at the same time about 1:20am. So that means from 4 pm (after class of C) until 1 am, they've been hanging out. A lot of things have been swirling in my mind.

I'm so depressed right now. I'd like to ask them how did it go but that would be me being intrusive. So I just keep it to myself until it burst to death.

I keep pretending that everything is okay to me. I keep showing to them that I'm still me being nice and funny. I keep telling myself to be that way 'cause I need to. But everything in me is hurting and I wish someone could help me. I don't have anyone to tell this 'cause they would know what I am. The only thing that keeps me not loose so far is that my goal to graduate this year.


Sunday, 17 June 2012

I don't know...

It's been almost two months since I have not posted anything. And from that time there has been of lot of things that changed. I am not certain if these changes would go somewhere else or if I have to keep myself as is, in spite of. Here I go again. Just a few weeks after the duties and classes have started and my head's getting a bit obscure. I have no one to share this feelings I've been going through so here I am.

To cut to the chaste, actually, there are three persons involved in this sort of drama. There are two girls and a guy. First off, I'd like to label myself as the “assuming pal or the misinterpret-er” Because maybe I always put motives on things they show to me. I hate myself for consistently having that kind of wrong assumptions. Although, as a friend I never intend to display actions which would make them think that I'm a guy who takes advantage. I just keep it always to myself. In short, I'm a nice guy.

I'd like to call them in alphabetical order C, E and P.

C has been a good friend to me. I got to only know her last year when we were duty mates and classmates at the same time. Most of the time kapag duty days namin, we go together and sabay din kami lagi umuwi. The only times na hindi kami magkakasabay is when if we have class since I stick to my old friends, and kapag she and her boyfriend would go to a date (they broke up). I have known her better during times na pauwi kami from duties because we just keep on talking endlessly. She even tell some things about of her personal life. And recently, we had a talk on Facebook and suddenly in the middle of the conversation she said, of all the guys in college, I'm her closest. I was stunned and felt it so much. With that kind of closeness, minsan we've been teased by our friends. At nadadala naman ako. Someone told her about that and she asked me that on Facebook, I said, hindi ko alam, hindi ko sila naintindihan. Rate my shitty dumbness, please.

Now, we're not classmates. But we have a duty for the next two weeks and we're going to be together again. Just moments ago we were joking around. She said nang-iiwan daw ako which is true because I accidentally left her the other day, we're supposed to go a ride together. Then I said, hinding-hindi na kita ulit iiwan kahit kailan. Then we both laughed. And then she asked me if I could go ride with her tomorrow, she insisted. There are times I miss her, there are times I'm having a feeling for her. Magulo. Am I getting her wrong? Am I getting this situation very subtle that I misinterpret what friendship is?

Next is E. He is a guy. We have been classmates and duty mates for last five years of college. We're not very close friends but we're good since we've known each other for quite some time. We've been hanging out always with our common friends. I didn't have any feelings for him until recently. Sometimes I see him as a rival on certain things and sometimes I feel attracted to him. Hindi ko ma-explain, I'm confused. I also have thoughts of us being together. I know he's straight, kasi he's been trying to court and hit on girls pero he always get busted for three consecutive times. Or he just stops when he feels like he's losing the chance. I'm not sure. He's a more of a nice guy than me, maybe the reason of all this stupid infatuation. I know I have no chance to be with him. And to be honest, I think of him more than the others. But I don't have plans of coming out to anyone as of now. I'll tell of him later.

The last person is P. I don't know. I got to know her in a publication we're both very committed to. We have commonalities is the key here. There is also an impulse in me that wants to be with her. The twist is, E tried to court P. And I was crossing my fingers to not let that become a reality because that would have completely ruined me. Parehas ko silang friends and I have feelings for both of them. I have been assuming that P likes me since I feel like she's more comfortable to be with me. Nararamdaman ko eh. Sometimes, she would sigh that's she's hungry, like para sakin she's inviting me to eat with her. Kaya lang I didn't mind when she's saying that. Rate my shitty dumbness again, please. Also, I can feel it na sometimes, she wants to have a conversation with me. However, our conversations are only limited to the publication. I'd  like to get to know her more. One more thing, during classes, she told me she wants to seat with me. Another wrong assumption? I guess.

E & P has been playing in my mind. I get jealous when they talk, I get insecure when E talks to P and when P approaches E.

I'm sorry about this. This post might sound superficial to others but I suppose everyone in one way has been in this kind of situation. I'm a complication myself, aren't I?

I won't delve more into details right now, I'm kind of in a hurry. This is what distracts me all the time lately.