content

I found myself staring outside at the window. Nothing was there, just the leaves overlaying the benches. I thought sometimes it is seemly to see things on one side. That why would I have to look around if I'm by then content of it? (Was I?) If everything in one shot has color and several dimensions, like the ones we see on the big screen. Howbeit if I take these glasses off, everything is blur. And I know I'm losing sight of you.

“....”

I don't know why they call it ‘heartbreak’ if I feel like every part of my body is broken too. My eyes are swollen, my lips feel betrayed, my heart rushes to beat, and my mind suffers of past memories and delusions. I have killed you alive. With those few words I said, It'd be good for us, drawn me badly into the abysmal agony. You're being unreasonable, you countered. Silence grew. I took a snort of cigar as if t'was my last. You moved closer to me with moist stare. I couldn't look back. I have words to say I never had courage to say before. But still something was holding me back. I realized the times we've shared are so fragile that I'm afraid it would break you; the way I was breaking you all along.

Bemused enough that I drank my macchiato in blue streak without admiring the olive leaf art it forms, as it casually takes me quarter of an hour to finish a cup. That night I made it straight (at the least, it wasn't alcohol). If only there's a pill for severe confusion, I would have overdosed myself that moment. There was no longer any input to my senses. Neither I could think of way to suddenly be gone nor tell the truth. If there is anything in this world I am worst at, it is confession. My head was purling. My thoughts were making their own ways to get out of my exploding mind.

One by one, I counted how many sticks I consumed in front of her just to say how much I loved her, not still. Bit by bit, I finally wove my words with disgrace of myself. I did not care whatever you had to say. To imply it was an another man of unimaginable contempt.

I slid my hand reaching hers. I began to consider my actions thinking about myself, my indiscretion, this part-taking, my sins, how I ended up with him and how my life had become so much misleading. But I soon thought of nothing else other than content. I have found my own default with. That is something I could not lie more about. We both knew a sparing, overused sorry is not enough to suffice everything but I'd say it for the last time with an overstatement, you deserve someone better than me.

I drank another cup of espresso. I gently savored. The taste is much better now. He took a sip, what do call this coffee, again? I grinned....

Its hard I must confess

I'm banking on the rest to clear away

Cause we have spoken everything

Everything short of I love you

You right where you are, from right where I am

Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

And who's to say it's wrong

And who's to say that it's not right

Where we should be for now

Hundred  (The Fray)

❚ a hindsight, we‘re together

For What its Worth - For This Cycle

On that frore dead of night of bleary and while on condoled walking, my heart had never trampled over my body that way. It was new to me. My arid hands that had always held bottles of liqueur and addictive thorns of cigars, started spouting dank butterflies. Even with, our hands enclosed much taut like a child fearful of being lost. As we walked our path seeming to last a short while, your skin grazed mine in euphoria. It felt perfect warm that I had only whimmed this picture to end not.

Cowed to break the charm of primordial gods, I gave in to your ways of silence. I gaped at you slyly, a face of no ifs, ands or buts being with me. All I could do was to bog down our speed of treading, hoping I could feel your hands any longer. Soon, you looked at me. I felt thawing as your eyes telling me to look back. You stopped a sudden. How far are we going? It played in loops ‘till angst in my heart. I’m daunted how far can we go. My hands were shaken, your eyes cajoling every inch of me for words. I held both your hands reaching your arms then back, ending with our bosom entwined. Aren't this enough?, I muttered.

Of course it is.

Then why you ask?

It’s just....

Wrong?  It‘s our relationship, Isn't?

No, of course it‘s not. I....

Let me take you home.

Hold on, we should do this a bit longer. 

Night had fallen upon us without taking in further words. Its pale semblance finally succumbed to the fumes of our bodies embraced. I could‘t mind being virtuous now that your subtle lips were convincing. Every thrusts of crimson flesh seemed a gallop of lust. Were our sinful sap called in unison, I felt your heart running savage as mine catching up not far off the pace. It was my first kiss, I discerned it meant something.

We continued strolling down to your way home. This time my arms were across your shoulder. While we reached your house, we bluffed as friends as distance started to substance. Our eyes communed enough to say every phrase a lovers ought—a bond we bitterly pledged occult to any of their eyes‘s bigotry. As the door closed, a tone came out. I cannot lose you. So do I.

Gone are those days.

Just when I thought somehow everything I own smelled of you, your scent meekly slipped out of my esteemed memories. Now, everything I know of you flow past me everlessly. You were the person who thought me that love was never a choice, for I had to feel it more than anything else. When I had to blame myself for my frailties, you were there taking it. And I know for sure that the love I knew once will be different thereafter.

You were gone, you chose him over me without leave-taking litany. I would not mind as I had always been a sin for you; I had no right of my miserly intentions. My being was the most empty of all, engulfing you and so you could fill its expanse—a dreadfully romantic ambition.  Still, your were the most sugar-coated tale I kept, that every time we may see each other now, I know there happened a mystery once. Love.